Living Alone During Quarantine and Knowing Myself Again

 Lockdown in cities started on March 16, 2020, and I started working from home. Compared to going to the office, work from home where I am not forced to wake up early because of my 2-hour commute is more comfortable. I can now get up just before 8 am if I wanted to and eating breakfast while working. I can manage my time in my own way. Also, I don’t feel tired or backache after going home because of around 3 hours commute at night, so now, it is like a treat. That how it turned out with my work, which I am about to lose this end of the month.

Living Alone During Quarantine and Knowing Myself Again

 

Looking Back to the Time Which Contributed to Me Today

Now, if it is about me emotionally, I have to say that last year ‘till these early months of this year may have been my worst emotional state. Before the end of 2018, I lost my job and getting my heart broken in 2019. At the start of 2019, I applied for jobs abroad but decided that while waiting for any good result, I may have to get a local job for now. Luckily, in the middle of the year, I have been employed, but I was just focused on the job and doing things that will help to not think about things. Because when I do, tears will suddenly start falling while there’s this feeling like my heart is being pierced piece by piece, and it’s hard to breathe. I did not socialize much with all my new co-workers, but I talk to some who I think are nice people.

Looking back, my negative emotional state had caused my blood pressure to spike and the reason for me to fail my medical examination of going to my dream country. That time was very depressing, and I did self-blame because I know it is all on me. I knew that I mostly did not sleep well, and I currently have a problem with my heart, which stresses me at that time. Before 2019 ends, I did fail yet another one of my plans, but this time, this is not on me. There are just people who enjoy the downfall of others, and I get it.

The Things that I Finally Realize This Year

So, this year of 2020 made me realized that almost all my decisions have contributed to what I am and where I am now. I never imagined myself to be one who thinks negatively, but then I was. These past months, living alone during quarantine, made me realize that. These few months, I did not focus on healing myself, but rather, I avoided it by indulging myself in watching and reading things like I usually do. Later on, I started to let go of those negative emotions as the day passes. I am starting to move on and accept the fact that there is only me that I can count on, that I can depend on, and nobody else.

I Let Go and Find Me Again

Writing a journal has helped me to talk about myself, like talking to a dear friend of mine. While writing, I did not even realize that I was actually pouring all my feelings in there, which made me somehow felt lighter every time I write. I wrote everything, and this made me think that there are these people with whom you might have a bond but will never be your best people. That the best way to live is to not attach and depend so much on someone but yourself. I remember this aunt of mine who always said something like, “Do not prioritize your friends because it will always be your family who will stay beside you when you are in need.” Yes, that is right because this once I thought a best friend of mine whom I always helped when in need just disappeared when I’m not needed anymore. I am just glad that I can let go of those people in my life too.

It hits me that there are many things I was able to realize these months of living alone during quarantine and was able to let go of many things. Also, one thing that I am very proud of is that I finally found myself again, and I was able to reconnect with it. I remembered the things I used to love when I was young, and I realized these are what I still love and will be enjoying to do now. Maybe being with other people had me lost sight of myself self, but it is also thanks to them that I found what I lost and what they meant in my life. I rediscover myself during this time of living alone, and I do not want to let go of that again. Maybe I am not young anymore, but right now, I feel so young and enjoying being alone where I can do whatever I want.